As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
You Might Also Like
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
i choose….tongue
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I’ve had worse
True embarrassment lies within your first email address