If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I’m calling the cops.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”