As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
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In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same