As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.