As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.