@scenesfromahat: As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
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@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now? Me: Sure, go ahead Interviewer: [dials number] Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Why is he crying? Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison? M: What? 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
@dafloydsta: Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun. Unless they have a gun.
@hexprax: hi senator, yeah it's me again , how u been the last couple days? just want to go on record that I don't want to be killed this way either