As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business