As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
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Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.