*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
She puts the hot in psychotic
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.