As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
how was your vacation
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.