As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
need him
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Me recordaron éste meme
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Some people were born into their job.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?