As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
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How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
i was baptized in a car wash
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )