A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
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Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Google Pay be like:
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.