As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.