@Marlebean: As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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@theshamingofjay: *tries for a year to brush and floss better* *goes to dentist* Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?
@ericsshadow: My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
@batkaren: Coworker: It'll either work or it won't. Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
@Home_Halfway: Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.