As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
This hospital has everything
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.