As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.