As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
You Might Also Like
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks