@Jack9eight5: As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors
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@JohnLyonTweets: The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we'll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
@funnybeachgirl: If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life. "What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?"
@KardashianReact: there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair
@DadBeard: If pizza places cold called people's homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.