My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
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Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Fidel Castro was alive?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
😩😩😩
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind: