Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
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Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Sharon, call the vet
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Okay me first
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins