As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
You Might Also Like
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
OH. COME. ON.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.