As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog