@TheTweetOfGod: As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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@Nahdude83: *puts sunglasses on a watermelon* *punches watermelon* "WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!" *slams hands down* "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!"
@feasibleweasel: [At the first thanksgiving] Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us Natives: we didnt give you land? Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
@sweet_pea707: Me: I'm feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over? Him:... Me: Good answer
@KentWGraham: My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.