As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too