Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now