@BrosConfessions: "As a student the most comforting words you'll ever hear are " I haven't started either"
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@ConanOBrien: You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
@ckretmsage: I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: I can’t run as fast as everybody else. Me: Why not? 3-year-old: I don’t have enough feet.
@SardonicTart: *Hires life coach* "Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!" *Fires life coach*