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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
CRYING
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*