I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
called in thicc to work this morning
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Google Pay be like:
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.