as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.