Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?