As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
*pronounces woah like Noah*
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously