As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*