As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.