As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
How about daylight saves us for once
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
guys i’ve cracked the code
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes