@jbryantiii: As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
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@ohen39: [on a romantic dinner date] girlfriend: *takes some of my fries* me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*
@nettie0918: That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it's still the same principal that had to call your parents.