As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I am also baked goods
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?