@SteussieErica: As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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@williamsonnier: customer: *looking at menu* what's good? me: not much what's good with you? him: ... him: ... me: chicken salad. the chicken salad is good.
@mynameisntdave: GENIE: u get 3 wishes! ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that's gonna cost you an extra wish
@trojansauce: [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
@SteveSuckington: "There's approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today." -meteorologists