As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.