As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
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cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”