As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
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Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King