@_SingleBabyMama: As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
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@imdaintyaf: [Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary] Narrator: ...the mink, a close relative of the weasel Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
@chadzappa: is this your first day on the internet? men are men, women are men, and children are cops...
@internetluke: [trying to talk to girl] Ha so you from around here? "Ya" Cool me too. I love planet earth
@ArfMeasures: [phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there