As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
You Might Also Like
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Happens to everyone.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.