As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me buying fruit and veg
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother