8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
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I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Stop being racist to kettles.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.