As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”