As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
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If snakes were wide
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Mornin
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.