As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
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I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad