As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore