As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.