As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
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DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
me opening up to someone
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I put the mess in domestic.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.