As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
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Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
the short answer to this question
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail