SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
When I laugh on my period
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.