As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
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Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series