I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
i think both sides are to blame here
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”